Unworthy
2005-05-11 at 3:04 p.m.
I have a friend who is older, and married. She is a friend i did not make. She fully persued me on her own. I have not changed my behaviour at all when it comes to her. Yet still she comes. She tells me these things about herself and her relationship as if i should be interested. but i can honestly say that i am not. not to say that she is unattractive in any way, because she is not. She is a very striking woman of 31 years. She is successfully employed. She is college educated. She is quickwitted, humorous, straightforward, honest, and persistant, and she is a nympho who has and will cheat on her husband again.
I am single and at times very lonely. though I talk to many females, very few can entertain me for any amount of time. It is not their fault it is clearly mines. I just cant stand people for long periods of time. Depending on the person the limit is usually 24 hours in a row.
I am also not the best friend in the world today. I dont like calling people, I refuse to just do anything to make the other person happy, I dont like visitors or visiting, and I dont celebrate holidays (this particular one seems to bother the most people).
In the last six months i guess you could say we have been friends. at least that is how long she has been calling me, inviting me to go with her places, and do things with her, and when am i going to let her see my place.
I find that i have no stomach for lying these days, and so not even try to come up with credible excuses. So my answers to these questions and hints of hers are invaribly I dont want to.
This of course does not faze her in the lightest. She keeps coming. I value her friendship more or less as i am able. but i will not commit to the final effort she seeks to embrace so willingly.
Someday i imagine i will have to tell her the truth about who it is, and exactly what i am.
but not yet. for even i do not know completely yet. i all i do know about me is this,
I am tainted.
Real to Me - 2005/11/08
Guest - 2005/10/11
Dark Corners - 2005/10/04
Coke - 2005-09-13
the first time, and the real first time. - 2005-07-01
